Trying to Find Motivation & Passion | My Pity Party?

I have lost my mojo. And I've lost it for a while now. I've lost it for my blog. I've lost it for my youtube. I've los...

I have lost my mojo.

And I've lost it for a while now.

I've lost it for my blog. I've lost it for my youtube. I've lost it for my writing. I've lost it for, what I feel like is, everything in my life except university.

I am just always tired. And I've been tired for years now. I wish I could change and I'm trying to, but I don't know how.

I know that depression is a part of it, possibly a big one, but my depression doesn't look like how it did two years ago or even  a year ago. So, I don't know how to go about it.

I have plans... I want to do things, but I am just... so tired that I can't.

I don't like my blog anymore. I don't enjoy it. There's so much preassure to post weekly, to tweet regularly, to promote, to post on facebook regularly and so much more. You need a good topic, perfect picture quality, viewers, comments, you need everything. And I've had this blog for a year now... and I don't have the views or the followers that I expected to have at this point. And now that it's because I'm not doing things right. More than that, though... because I made this blog a beauty and fashion one, you need money and you need to buy things. And anyone tells you that you don't have to is lying, because you need to buy the popular new things, especially in makeup, to stay revelant and popular and gain an audience. Because of this, I've become dependent on buying things. I get on slump if I don't buy anything for a certain period of time and I get happy when I do, even I don't need it... and I have so much makeup that I don't need and probably wouldn't buy if I didn't have this blog. I've used this as excuse to buy things and that's a big problem.

Youtube has become the same thing... I'm using it to buy new things. So I can have new video ideas. And I'm so tired of it.

Speaking of youtube... I've loved youtube and have watched youtubers for a long time now. I've been waiting to make one myself for a while too. At first, I enjoyed it. But the more and more videos I did, the worst I felt about it. And it's because... they don't look like I want them to look. I get so frustrated with myself, for having bad lighting, for not being a good enough editor, not having good enough ideas and so much more. And while I'm filming my videos, I just think to myself: "Who would ever watch this?"

 I don't think I'll be quitting youtube because I can get better, I do believe that, but my blog.... I don't know what to do with that. With this. I don't know what you guys want to read, I don't really know what I want to write. And the reality is, you need to these things regularly, but I just... won't. University is tiring and I spent the rest of the days I have free, sleeping or homework. I don't think I can juggle all of this and youtube with this blog. I still think I'll use it. Just... not regularly. Which is, what I've been doing. There's still some posts I have to make soon that have been waiting in my drafts for literally a month now, maybe even more. They will see the light of day, I know that, but I won't promise anything.

I hope you guys understand what I'm saying because I don't know if I'm explaining this right.

Another thing... is my ideas. I have lost my passion for a while now. I used to be so motivated and so ready for my future to arrive so I could do all the things that I wanted to! To write all of my stories! To have the knowledge that I needed! And now that I have it, I don't ever feel like it and I don't have the inspiration or know what to write about, it's the most frustrating feeling ever.

I don't know how to fix it and I wish I could. Everyone in my university are doing all these things and they're pursuing their dreams, with the same resources that I have, but they're actually doing it! And when I asked them how they did it, they're just like "oh, I just wrote it" or "oh, I filmed it". And it sounds so easy, but it would be so exhausting for me. I want to write, I want to create a webseries, I want to do a podcast, I want to do so many things but... I don't? I'm too tired.

I hope you guys are understanding me right now, because I feel like this post is all over the place.

If you guys want to read or watch anything specific from me or my emotional health journey, let me know. Also, if you have advice for me, or ideas or explanation or literally anything leave them in the comments below. I'll see you later, babes! Thanks for joining me in this pity party of mine~

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  1. Hi Merzy! This is my first time on your blog and I feel like I found this particular post for a reason. I'm new to blogging and have been feeling the exact same way you have. It's hard to stay motivated. I also deal with depression and anxiety and it can really hinder your creativity and like you stressed in your article most of the time it just leaves you absolutely exhausted. What helps me the most is reading, nothing gets me out of my own head like reading a really good book. And as far as blogging if you don't love what you're writing, step back for a second. If when you come back it still doesn't sound or feel authentic to you then forget about it. Blogging is where you should be having fun, writing about what you love! If you ever need someone to talk, please feel free to reach out to me. I'm in need of some creative blogger friends :)

    1. Thanks so much for this comment! Thank you for the advice, I really appreciate it :) It's not really that I don't enjoy the writing and the photography, it's the social media promotion and the focus on the views and clicks is what gets me down. xo

  2. It is always hard to stay motivated and more than that, to get all those ideas rolling along too. I kindly clicked on this post because the name got me here and then starting reading and understanding word by word what you were saying.
    I do agree with the previous comment, blogging is meant to be fun. For those times you feel inspired and for those moments that you feel like sharing, no matter the audience. I agree that having a page and all its promotion, it is beyond exhausting to keep up with it and also, the little times you actually see movement on them, even if you done it all.
    That aside, you still write because you want to, because it is how you express yourself and because it is how you are able to move forward with some things, I am sure of that. Much like the rest of us, while we are making it happen and as we make it happen, we stay next to each other. You never know where a few extra click´s can take you.
    All in all, thanks for the post. I am more than happy to get your story piece of my section #GoDoFly or even #TruthTuesdays. You´d be a perfect fit and even if it is the same story you have posted, it always helps to spread it on other media. Happy to help!
    Tons of love and feel free to stop by and ask! Have a great one!

    1. You're right! Thanks so much for this comment! I'm glad you understand my post lol! I would love to be part of your section, you can email me for the details! xoxo

  3. I could've written this post.

    I started blogging 2 years ago because I started really into getting makeup as a way to feel more confident about my lupus. I have lost motivation too. Probably because I'm not getting as much comments as I used to, but also because the pressure to be perfect all the time. I just try to be myself. I do see what you're saying about having to constantly buy things. It's taken a toll on me that I struggle paying with bills (this is really bad, I know...) I'm still looking for a job, I did have a seasonal one over the summer though. I'm trying not to spend so much because I'm getting married in March and I want to cultivate good spending habits. Just be yourself. That's what I try to do. Keep it real. I also love posting non-beauty topics about my blog. So maybe you could do more of that to. I hope this helps. You're not alone :)


    1. I feel you, Hannah! The preassure to be perfect in the beauty blogging world when you feel insecure as heck is hard stuff. I'm glad I'm not the only one who's having trouble with spending habits! I'm also trying to find a job, so I feel there too. Thanks so much for the comment, darling! Really appreciate it~ xoxo

  4. Hey. I get you, I've been there too many times.
    With blog, I just think that you need to set your priorities. If your college (and future job connected to it) is more important than blog, then put everything you have into that and blog whenever you feel like it.
    I'll tell you my situation. I know it's annoying when everybody is bragging about their views or comments or followers and you're just standing there with two readers per month, but I consider my blog my hobby. I do it cause I want to so I don't stress about these statistics so much. Also, I don't post regularly, there's sometimes 2 days between posts and sometimes a month. Who cares. And you're totally right when saying you need to buy more stuff to keep this on a roll. But again, you're doing this for yourself. I bought everything I wanted. Not everything I needed for my blog.
    I know I messed up this comment, but I hope you'll get my point. Do not stress over this. Do it so it makes YOU happy.
    and btw I've been reading your blog for few months now and I'm still here - you're doing something right haha

    xo Honey - Royal Lifestyle

    1. I totally get your point! There's so much preassure to have a blog as a career path and stuff, you know? I think I forgot that I started this for myself. You get lost in the need to find clicks and views that you forget that. Thanks so much for the comment and for sticking around lol! xoxo