I have lost my mojo.

And I've lost it for a while now.

I've lost it for my blog. I've lost it for my youtube. I've lost it for my writing. I've lost it for, what I feel like is, everything in my life except university.

I am just always tired. And I've been tired for years now. I wish I could change and I'm trying to, but I don't know how.

I know that depression is a part of it, possibly a big one, but my depression doesn't look like how it did two years ago or even  a year ago. So, I don't know how to go about it.

I have plans... I want to do things, but I am just... so tired that I can't.

I don't like my blog anymore. I don't enjoy it. There's so much preassure to post weekly, to tweet regularly, to promote, to post on facebook regularly and so much more. You need a good topic, perfect picture quality, viewers, comments, you need everything. And I've had this blog for a year now... and I don't have the views or the followers that I expected to have at this point. And now that it's because I'm not doing things right. More than that, though... because I made this blog a beauty and fashion one, you need money and you need to buy things. And anyone tells you that you don't have to is lying, because you need to buy the popular new things, especially in makeup, to stay revelant and popular and gain an audience. Because of this, I've become dependent on buying things. I get on slump if I don't buy anything for a certain period of time and I get happy when I do, even I don't need it... and I have so much makeup that I don't need and probably wouldn't buy if I didn't have this blog. I've used this as excuse to buy things and that's a big problem.

Youtube has become the same thing... I'm using it to buy new things. So I can have new video ideas. And I'm so tired of it.

Speaking of youtube... I've loved youtube and have watched youtubers for a long time now. I've been waiting to make one myself for a while too. At first, I enjoyed it. But the more and more videos I did, the worst I felt about it. And it's because... they don't look like I want them to look. I get so frustrated with myself, for having bad lighting, for not being a good enough editor, not having good enough ideas and so much more. And while I'm filming my videos, I just think to myself: "Who would ever watch this?"

 I don't think I'll be quitting youtube because I can get better, I do believe that, but my blog.... I don't know what to do with that. With this. I don't know what you guys want to read, I don't really know what I want to write. And the reality is, you need to these things regularly, but I just... won't. University is tiring and I spent the rest of the days I have free, sleeping or homework. I don't think I can juggle all of this and youtube with this blog. I still think I'll use it. Just... not regularly. Which is, what I've been doing. There's still some posts I have to make soon that have been waiting in my drafts for literally a month now, maybe even more. They will see the light of day, I know that, but I won't promise anything.

I hope you guys understand what I'm saying because I don't know if I'm explaining this right.

Another thing... is my ideas. I have lost my passion for a while now. I used to be so motivated and so ready for my future to arrive so I could do all the things that I wanted to! To write all of my stories! To have the knowledge that I needed! And now that I have it, I don't ever feel like it and I don't have the inspiration or know what to write about, it's the most frustrating feeling ever.

I don't know how to fix it and I wish I could. Everyone in my university are doing all these things and they're pursuing their dreams, with the same resources that I have, but they're actually doing it! And when I asked them how they did it, they're just like "oh, I just wrote it" or "oh, I filmed it". And it sounds so easy, but it would be so exhausting for me. I want to write, I want to create a webseries, I want to do a podcast, I want to do so many things but... I don't? I'm too tired.

I hope you guys are understanding me right now, because I feel like this post is all over the place.

If you guys want to read or watch anything specific from me or my emotional health journey, let me know. Also, if you have advice for me, or ideas or explanation or literally anything leave them in the comments below. I'll see you later, babes! Thanks for joining me in this pity party of mine~